Let’s Talk

let’s talk

and i’ll go first.

i love

this lockdown

because

i’m finally

getting to do

all the things

i have

been putting off

you know?

 

here are some of things i have achieved:

My Novel – I finished it and I have started a new one. Isn’t this great?

My Diet – I cook all the delicious, nutritious meals and I drink a lot of water, because you know, we must stay hydrated! How awesome!

My Body– I’m finally doing all the infinity workout routines I had saved on my computer. Oh that’s just for the mornings. I do yoga in the evenings, so elite.

My Mind – whoa! Don’t get me started on all the master classes I have taken in the last fourteen days; you have to keep the brain active!

My Mental Health – Oh I meditate nearly all day when I’m not busy doing everything I have so neatly put down on my to-do list…okay stop!

 

this

is not true.

none

of it is.

 

These are some of the things I have struggled with not doing and guilt-tripped myself over until last week when I took several steps back and questioned why I had been so worked up.

 

We are in a pandemic because of a virus that’s spreading all over the world. Some people have died and many people are fighting for their lives, and some health workers are being made to choose between saving the lives of the old and abandoning them to save young people who have more years ahead of them.

 

People are losing their parents, siblings, friends, colleagues and the world has halted.

 

This is not a holiday. We are in a pandemic and it is okay to find ways to cope. It is okay to find small things that trigger joy, away from the horror our world is currently experiencing.

 

We are trying to survive.

 

The novel can be written after the pandemic, my to-do list can wait. I’m trying to

breathe.

 

so

let’s start over

and i’ll tell you

how i’m coping.

 

I have found that days roll into one another, so that Monday and Sunday are now identical.

 

I think that time is an illusion, almost like a social construct. Time is nothing without us, so let us live.

 

I now sleep at 3am and wake up at 11am.When I wake up, I spend another hour in bed looking through social media and wondering what I’d have for lunch.

 

I give myself pep talks on why it is important to get out of bed and how staying in bed means starving, and how starving can cause more harm than the virus ever could.

 

I eventually get out of bed and I dance around my living room to Shade Adu’s songs, the sound of her voice echoes peace and calm.

 

I fix myself a bowl of oatmeal and some bananas if I have some. I sit down and watch Insecure or Sex and the City for the millionth time because what is a meal without good TV to go with it?

 

I give myself more pep talks on the importance of fixing lunch so that I would not have to worry about it when it’s lunchtime. I make jollof pasta or rice.

 

I watch videos on TikTok. I scroll through Instagram and Twitter, read tweets, watch insta-stories, read articles online and wonder what would happen if the virus continues to spread; would I be able to survive it?

 

My bank account is nearly empty because I had to stock up. I’m an actor, so working from home isn’t an option. I snack on cookies and I remind myself that finishing the cookies today means no cookies tomorrow and I resist the urge to open my fridge the tenth time in two hours.

 

In the evening, I stare at myself in the mirror and have a conversation with myself about the imaginary movie I made that’s now been nominated for the Oscars. I give my Oscar speech and I thank my family and friends for being there for me throughout the making of my film Love in the Time of Corona.

 

Then I eat lunch and I stare at my stomach afterwards. I tell myself that my Oscar dress won’t fit if I don’t work out and have abs, so I wait three hours and I pull out my yoga mat and do forty-five minutes of abs and full body workout. I’m sweating, my heart’s beating, I take a shower and I feel like I’m born again.

 

I stare at myself in the mirror and I can already visualize the abs in six parts, beautiful. I drink a bottle of water and I feel like I’m the healthiest person alive.

 

I get a text message from NCDC reminding me to wash my hands and to sanitize.

 

I get anxious. Will this thing end soon? What if I run out of food and money? I search the internet for fun TV shows to watch, my friend recommends On My Block on Netflix. I watch it. I pop a tablet of vitamin c in a cup of water, serve myself a plate of pasta and laugh at these silly kids running around the block and getting into all kinds of trouble. I feel good.

 

It’s three in the morning; it’s bedtime. I won today.

 

I’m in bed and I’m thinking I should do a facial tomorrow and cook a pot of okro and finish writing the short story I started and go for a run outside. I breathe – I won today. Tomorrow will come and I will figure it out.

 

The novel can be written after the pandemic, my to-do list can wait. I’m trying to

breathe.

 

I’m trying to survive.

 

I’m taking it

 

one day at a time.