Rape within a Relationship: What Does it Mean?

News

07/07/2017

Many believe that sexual assault by someone you’re in a romantic relationship with isn’t as serious as if it were with a stranger.

This is a complete myth.

Thoughts such as these actually hurt more than they help people who are assaulted. The damage done when someone is raped cannot be undone.

While different forms of sexual assault are not worse than others and should not be compared, it is an agonising experience to constantly see your rapist, share a lived space with them and even remain in a relationship with them. The way people think of rape and sexual assault (within a process that is fuelled by rape culture) is that the rapist is a stranger and that there must be proof of the violence: bruises, scratches, tears, physical pain. Yet, rape does not have to tick boxes to qualify it as such. The trauma that follows is the same whether or not you had had sex with the person before.

Whether you had engaged in kinky sex with the person before. Whether they were a relative or a friend. Whether the person bought you a drink, or you had been out with friends, or you went home with them. The trauma remains.

Within the context of a relationship, rape can happen in various ways. Some may not have felt like having sex and their partner chose their own pleasure over their partner consenting. Others may have been sleeping, medicated or drunk and therefore unable to give their consent. It could even happen in the middle of sex, if they decide that they don’t want to have sex and their partner continues, or if they were having one type of sex and their partner does something else without their consent (see ‘stealthing’ for one such example) .

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These are all just a handful of examples of sexual assault within a relationship and while many of us may not understand why a person would go ahead and choose to assault someone they love, others have a sense of power that cannot be deterred by their partner saying no.

I can already guess what question is on your mind: so why would they not leave? And as much as one wishes there was an easy answer here, there isn’t. As with people in physically and emotionally abusive relationships, some find it easier to leave than others. Being sexually assaulted by someone you’re in a relationship with is traumatising; it also leaves you confused and shaken. Perhaps because you had never thought that the person you love could harm you in such a way, perhaps because you don’t think it’s rape because it’s them or even just because it wasn’t physically violent. And this is part of the problem. As is the shame.

Many will not leave because of it and many more will blame themselves. They’ll be completely hard on themselves, blame themselves and come up with scenarios on what they could’ve done to prevent it from happening, to make the assaulters stop. They’ll struggle to articulate their hurt. And even then, we must acknowledge that it is a crime and it still causes trauma. And it is not a ‘lesser’ form of rape because they are your partner.

Anyone who rapes is a rapist. It does not matter if it’s a stranger, your boss, your friend or a loved one. If they violate you in anyway, they are the ones in the wrong.

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It’s no wonder that in a society that constantly tells people that their bodies are not theirs, that many victims will be silent when they are sexually assaulted. If you are confused about whether it was rape or not, it does not make it any less legitimate. If you are unwilling to call it that, at first or at all, that’s also okay. Naming something as traumatising as sexual assault can be extremely difficult; this does not become easier because you know your assaulter.

It also does not lessen the fact that it is rape if the person chooses to share what happened to them years after it happened. It does not diminish what happened to them, nor does it mean they’re lying. It may be from a deep sense of shame, fear and trauma that they chose to stay silent. Perhaps at the time they did not even realise it was rape. Perhaps they were not ready to share. Whatever reason it may be, it is completely their decision whether they want to share what happened to them with other people.

A woman who had been repeatedly raped by her boyfriend noted that after it would happened she would hold him while he cried. She said, “For many victims, it’s easier to think of your experience as some sort of “rape lite” than to deal with the mess that is being in love with your rapist. It’s easier to invalidate your own experience than to accept it. Of course, this brings another cloak of shame. Admitting that I stayed with my rapist is still painful for me… It feels almost incomprehensible to even attach the word rape to someone you love. Like you’re betraying them…Rape has no caveats. Rape cannot be eclipsed by love or a sense of duty. I realise that now. My rapist knew what he had done and, deep down, on some level, I think they all do.”

While I mentioned rape culture often here, it is important to note that the culture would hold no power if it were not for the people acting on it, using it to their own advantage and using their power to traumatise others. If you have been a victim of sexual assault, please do what you can to get yourself the support you need. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, an anonymous person on the internet who cares or someone at the below centres and helplines.

Know this: I’m sorry that happened to you and know that I believe you.

For more information and support, check out the below resources or contact a local medical professional for further advice.

South Africa
Stop Gender Violence Helpline: (0800 150 150 – 24 hour helpline)
Rape Crisis: (021 447 9762 – 24 hour helpline)

Nigeria
The Mirabel Centre

Kenya
Healthcare Assistance Kenya (HAK): (1195 – Toll Free Helpline)

For more information on the issues covered in this article and in MTV Shuga: Down South, visit our very own knowledge page for more information, advice and resources…

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LSW

This post by Ms. Senne is the best post I have seen on the internet regarding rape within a relationship.
I was sexually coerced and raped (a distinction which I find, in traumatic effect upon me, as totally irrelevant). I told my wife to stop (even used the word, and phrased it into a question: "Could we please stop?") in the middle of sex because the pain of hunger was so overwhelming - I had never heard my stomach growl so loudly - that I was near the point of passing out. Her answer: Just a little longer. It lasted another 40 minutes. I jumped from the bed and promptly ravaged the apartment for food. After the unwanted invasions had long ceased, she had the audacity and still maintains to this day that she thought/thinks that I was telling her I was hungry for sex!!! This attempt to rewrite the past is chronic. This is just one lie, attempted white-washing of the past is chronic. Like her claiming that we had sex before marriage, although I have absolutely no memory of it. THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL IS THAT SHE DID IT (RAPED ME) OUT OF LOVE.
She would forcibly pry my legs open and I would reluctantly relent upon her constant unending begging. I would get up before she awoke. I would fall asleep or pretend to be asleep before her. I would tell her I was not interested in sex. I fell asleep during sex - when I woke up, she was still at it.. Dissociated by watching TV over her shoulder was one blessing I got - could, at least, assist in blocking it out for that one night. Always laying dead as a fish during the middle of it unless she would plead that I move. I would give a few barely noticeable anemic thrusts hoping that it would be enough to stop her demanding anything else - it usually was sufficient. All these nonverbals, as well as verbals, did nothing to stem the incursions. Before marriage, I told my wife of my disinterest in sex and she voiced the same in response - it ended up not being that way...
It got to the point where one night I yelled "No!!!" loudly - enough is enough, I was getting to the point of cracking - and turned sharply away from her encroachment. The response: she leapt from the bed furious, crying with a waterfall of tears, and yelling at me how could I (in a slew of anger-fueled words that seemed nothing less than a complete emotional breakdown) in effect reject/deny her desire. The next night, she made her move to mount me again. Not wanting to confront the volcano I experienced the night previous, I emitted a weak anemic "no" to no avail - it was ignored. The next morning I accused her of rape. It was the end of the unwanted envelopings as such, but a new phase began: unwanted displays of affection (DOA) that I made clear hurt me. She would get angry when I would inform her I needed to take control over DOA. I was robbed of control earlier and the less-than-sex intimacies taken (as not mutual) just deepened the wounds.
She has made me feel guilty, begged me not to leave, threatened suicide if I do... This has placed a tremendous emotional burden on me. On American Thanksgiving Day (last Thursday), I went to visit my doctor because of physical symptoms I was having. I have shingles which one can contract in advancing age (immune system becomes less hearty) and in response to stresses in one's life (which can also lower immunity). It has been about a week now. I have been laid up in bed religiously taking my array of medications. Getting shingles has been a shot over my bow. I'll be lucky if I am over this excruciatingly painful infection in a couple of weeks. I bought a one-way ticket back to my home country 3 weeks ago. For my own good, and, indeed, her own good, I will leave her for forever on Jan. 6. She will not know of plans until I am nearly out the door because uncharacteristic "secrecy" (not enough time to go into the meaning of the quotations) may have contributed in long sad history of giving me shingles, but the emotional nuclear war that would result in successfully breaking through her self-defensive wall of denial and repression (through much trying, seems all but impossible) would be the absolute death of me. Short of physical death itself, I will be on that plane.

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EMNL R

This happened to me years ago. And up to now, I still haven't had the courage to come out and tell my story. At first I didn't know if what happened was considered rape since we were in a relationship until a friend of mine told me it was. That getting raped by your partner happens. And that was the time where every bit of crap my ex-boyfriend did to me came rushing and I found myself crying almost every day. I tried so hard to push the thought out of my mind but i fail every time. I blamed myself for what happened, and kept telling myself it was my fault and that I let him do those things to me repeatedly.
I'm afraid to come out because I was afraid of what other people might think of me (especially those who knew my ex), that they might say i'm lying, that it's too late to come out now, and that none of what i want to say happened just because I didn't say something sooner.
"Admitting that I stayed with my rapist is still painful for me…" - I can relate so much to this because even though I knew I didn't like and want what was going on, I stayed with him because I was ashamed to tell people what was going on with me.
I never had the courage to talk about what happened to me because I had no one to talk to about it. It wasn't something one can just throw in the air and hope people would catch. It's a serious matter especially to those who have experienced it. I always thought that generally, people won't understand. and those who can are probably those who have experienced the same. I only know of one friend (same friend who told me getting raped by your boyfriend is possible) who has experienced getting raped. And I have been talking to her and she's been helping me find answers of how my thought process was during those times and how i can avoid such situations from happening again. Where I'm from, rape is not a topic openly talked about or easily resolved (for those who filed cases). Some may even say it's an over reaction or the person just can't move on from the breakup, but the trauma is real and no one can take that away from you.
I've learned that what I feel and think are valid. It's not just me. There are many more who're waiting to be heard. It takes time to muster up the courage to speak up and admit things even to myself.
Letting this out helped me feel a bit lighter, I hope others would find comfort in knowing that you're not alone and there are people who will listen.

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