We Need To Talk: Parents

News

18/10/2017

What is it about speaking to our parents that is so difficult?

Why do we find it easy to talk about some things with them, but unbearably hard regarding others? A lot of us would agree that we are reluctant to turn to our parents or guardians for help when it comes to personal issues.

Generally, parents (especially African parents) can be hard to approach. Where do we draw the line between a parent and their child? Can a parent also be your friend, who you turn to when you need a shoulder to cry on?

Over the years, we have seen the power of having a strong relationship with one’s parents. Whilst Khensani and Tsholo from #MTVShugaDS found it hard to speak to their parents about their challenges, others have found a way to open up to their loved ones.

Whether it be Femi and his mum in season 2, where she spoke to him about the importance of using protection when having sex, and came with him to test when he tested for HIV. Or Reggie and his mum in MTV Shuga: Down South, who supported him on his journey to live the truest version of himself. Having this kind of open relationship can be invaluable.

For a lot of people, however, that’s really not the case.

Whilst we may be able to speak to our parents about everyday things, when it matters most, some of us find it beyond belief to ask for help. It really sucks that it’s difficult for us to muster up courage in those times when we need to discuss sexual health, bullying or even abuse. Some of us out there may have good, open relationships with our parents, but this is NOT the case for everyone.

In a typical African home, parents are demi-gods. You basically have to take a deep breath, ‘bend the knee’ and say a prayer to your heavenly father before initiating that sort of conversation. It’s almost like a taboo to talk about sex and anything else that is connected to it. Only a very few of us have open minded parents.

My mother was my best friend but there were certain topics I could never discuss freely with her. Most of us can relate to this. Especially because we have different perspectives on certain issues and if my mum insists that the earth is flat, then it is flat and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. It may seem funny but it’s painful to know that we can’t connect with our parents when we need them the most.

I had a lengthy conversation with a lady on twitter about how she was raped by her friend. It took her several months of being depressed, suicidal and failing at academics before she could open up to her parents and the upsetting and shocking truth is that they blamed her for it.

WHY?

We can’t exactly blame our parents. They brought us up the same way they were raised by their own parents. As we go through our early years, so many of us are brought up in environments where emotions are hardly ever expressed and so many boundaries have been set; such that we see our parents as nothing more than providers. Those very rare moments when they try to be counsellors are priceless. Sometimes, they don’t connect with us not because they don’t want to but because they don’t know how to.

WHAT TO DO
Work on your relationship with your parents. It may take a while for you to achieve this. Talk to them more often. Always put them in-the-know. Take baby steps, hang out and do fun things together. Do all you can to ease that tension till you get to a stage where you can be comfortable enough to talk about almost anything. Also, be polite. We all know how important respect is to our parents. Even if your heart is hurting badly, do all you can to be respectful whenever you’re having conversations with your folks.

Parents should try and not be judgmental, whilst learning to rebuke with love. It’s okay to be open to new ideas and possibilities. Maybe your sage advice is hard to fit into today’s challenges but wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all meet halfway? This would encourage your kids to see you as a safe place in times of trouble.

WHAT IF I’M ALL ALONE?
As far as some of us are concerned, talking to our parents or guardians is simply not an option. Maybe it’s because we have tried several times to build a relationship with them and ended up failing. Maybe they’re not around, and we have other people in our lives that we look to as protective figures.

If you’re in a position where you have no guardian, then open up to your friends/older ones that you trust. Older ones especially because they may have already experienced whatever it is you’re battling with.

Always remember that no parent is perfect. They cannot always get it right, but by knowing that and trying to help them see where you’re coming from, you may be able to have the conversation that you’ve always longed for.


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comments (30)

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Ayomide Ogunsanya

This is such an interesting read. My father used to encourage us to bring our boyfriend's home, that way he'd get to know them too and it would help us feel comfortable enough to discuss certain issues with him for needed guidance and counselling.

Onyinye okpara

If you even bring a member of the opposite sex home, mine would do special prayer session for you during morning devotion

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Feyitimi Olamide

Mine would wake you up in the middle of the night to discuss with you.

Tobiloba Esther

ahhaha...o get ehh...

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Jchedda LayGiri

Yet another well written article. Great job! We can only hope our generation does a better job at relationships with our children.

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bolu adeosun

Great article, now let me share this with my parents

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Ayoade Onipede

Good Read, Again. My Dad Doesn't Even Answer My Regular Questions Properly, Not To Talk About Something Like This. ( ._.)

Tolulope

I can so relate to this

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Folarin Tosin

Lol
Like tell me the sky is blue, no oh! It's sky-navy-royal-golden kinda blue. I don't even bother. I try to learn by myself or through my less judgemental siblings and am fine.

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Rhoda Ade

This is such a great article. However, I don't see my self discussing nothing with my parents,there is this wide distance already, maybe this will work for us and generations to come.

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Adegboyega Olaniyi

The bend the Knee part be cracking me up. Great read, hopefully our generation does better with our children.

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Demie Lacey

"Do fun stuffs together " you hardly find any African parent who has time for fun. They are all about making money. And if they can provide for your needs, that's all the friendship they have to offer.
I know a 12 year old who never got menstrual education from her mum. Rather her mum chastised her for seeing her period early. Claiming it's because she talks to boys

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Seyi Ajala

This is a great article ADEBOLA. I feel most of us also don't have the patience of trying to understand our parents too (how and where they were raised, thought influences, etc) .. We always wish they understand us everytime..?

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Fauziyya Bashir

Nice article as always dear friend

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Rachoo

Nicely written Adebola. I enjoyed reading. My mum usually expect me to discuss anything with her and I feel free with her. But then, there are somethings I just cant tell her. Nevertheless, I look forward to having a smooth relationship with my kids.

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Sheba.

In some cases our parents are fault because they didn't teach us to come to them even when we had the smallest issues, but things can definitely still change. Great read, our generation will/should do better with our kids, by the way there's a whole lot of bliss when you know you can talk to your parents about anything.

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Odulate Moyosore

This is so true..I can relate!!! Well-done Debola

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Onyinye okpara

I really needed this, I've something important to tell them but I don't even know how to start up the conversation.

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Onyinye okpara

Debola is an impeccable writer. I always look forward to reading articles here especially those written by her.

Tolulope

True talk, Onyinye.

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Tolulope

Good job, Debola. This topic is one that needed some light on it. Thank you for this!

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Tunde

very very important and very relevant article, i can totally relate to this, i cant imagine what my siblings particularly my sisters went through, this is one of the things i pray to better than my parents are at, this definitely affected me, i don't know why our parents were like that but i hope we can be better parents to our kids. very good one, well done!

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Folarin Tosin

"Sometimes, they don’t connect with us not because they don’t want to but because they don’t know how to."
This is so true and like you said, it's ok not to know all, that doesn't make you a bad parent, just makes you human.
sometimes, our folks just need to listen more and be open to new ideas, even If it's coming from your child
Really enjoyed this piece. It's so informative and much more, you are saving the next generation. Keep it up dear. How long do I have to wait for the next one?

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Tayo Owonikoko

Nice write up ....this is how things have always been in our society parents are not considered as friends you open up to their case is just like the Nigerian police when they arrest you " whatever you say will be used against you" in future...I guess we prefer to keep our private lives from them..no matter how you get close to them whatever you say will be used against you in future

Tobiloba Esther

what u say or do will be used against u in d future....hehehehe

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Feyitimi Olamide

Great piece my beautiful friend, thank you.
You know I wish our parents can read this but no, most are the political and the economical ones, sometimes talking to my parents especially my dad, seem weird , would be like what can we talk about, sometimes i just feel uncomfortable when he ask or say somethings sometimes, maybe because of his strict act and distance, some parents fail to know that you can be strict but loving.
I know this will help we the upcoming parents.

Tobiloba Esther

d thing is d way dey were brought up..the father is brought up as d provider for the family....the mother is brouht up to carter for the house in general...so dey kind of stick to that position and if not for the events appening nawadays and u know everybody af jah si gboro.....d same idea wud av been passed across to us...but we are learning new things naw....we can change that wen we have our families in d nearest future.

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Kikelomo Aisha

Nice write up Adebola. Well I will like to say not all parents are difficult to approach. As a parent u sudnt b slack or strict, b diplomatic. Our mothers nids to b more closer to d children ( both male & female) than d father ( cant blame the strict fathers cause is not easy). There is sometimes in adolescent stage u will feel like u don't ve to share everything or nothing wt ur parents at this period parents needs to draw closer so has not to be influenced by peer group. My mum tried her best to be attentive and closer to me but adolescent stage tried to create barrier between us. Infact Debola thanks for sharing this write up. It's an eye opener for our parents. Those that are been patient with their children should continue while those that are not should please and adjust cause things has changed and things are rily happening.

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Tobiloba Esther

thats haw it is in most homes...i find it easier to talk to my close friends more than my parents....my mum tries her best to talk to us collectively and individually and i really appreciate her efforts for it...God bless her for me..but still opening up to her on some issues is kinda hard all d same....

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Elizabeth

I think our parents also want to be able to talk to us about certain issues but they just don't know how to get around it, maybe due to the way they were raised up. I hope our generation is able to do better though.

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