What is it about speaking to our parents that is so difficult?
Why do we find it easy to talk about some things with them, but unbearably hard regarding others? A lot of us would agree that we are reluctant to turn to our parents or guardians for help when it comes to personal issues.
Generally, parents (especially African parents) can be hard to approach. Where do we draw the line between a parent and their child? Can a parent also be your friend, who you turn to when you need a shoulder to cry on?
Over the years, we have seen the power of having a strong relationship with one’s parents. Whilst Khensani and Tsholo from #MTVShugaDS found it hard to speak to their parents about their challenges, others have found a way to open up to their loved ones.
Whether it be Femi and his mum in season 2, where she spoke to him about the importance of using protection when having sex, and came with him to test when he tested for HIV. Or Reggie and his mum in MTV Shuga: Down South, who supported him on his journey to live the truest version of himself. Having this kind of open relationship can be invaluable.
For a lot of people, however, that’s really not the case.
Whilst we may be able to speak to our parents about everyday things, when it matters most, some of us find it beyond belief to ask for help. It really sucks that it’s difficult for us to muster up courage in those times when we need to discuss sexual health, bullying or even abuse. Some of us out there may have good, open relationships with our parents, but this is NOT the case for everyone.
In a typical African home, parents are demi-gods. You basically have to take a deep breath, ‘bend the knee’ and say a prayer to your heavenly father before initiating that sort of conversation. It’s almost like a taboo to talk about sex and anything else that is connected to it. Only a very few of us have open minded parents.
My mother was my best friend but there were certain topics I could never discuss freely with her. Most of us can relate to this. Especially because we have different perspectives on certain issues and if my mum insists that the earth is flat, then it is flat and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. It may seem funny but it’s painful to know that we can’t connect with our parents when we need them the most.
I had a lengthy conversation with a lady on twitter about how she was raped by her friend. It took her several months of being depressed, suicidal and failing at academics before she could open up to her parents and the upsetting and shocking truth is that they blamed her for it.
WHY?
We can’t exactly blame our parents. They brought us up the same way they were raised by their own parents. As we go through our early years, so many of us are brought up in environments where emotions are hardly ever expressed and so many boundaries have been set; such that we see our parents as nothing more than providers. Those very rare moments when they try to be counsellors are priceless. Sometimes, they don’t connect with us not because they don’t want to but because they don’t know how to.
WHAT TO DO
Work on your relationship with your parents. It may take a while for you to achieve this. Talk to them more often. Always put them in-the-know. Take baby steps, hang out and do fun things together. Do all you can to ease that tension till you get to a stage where you can be comfortable enough to talk about almost anything. Also, be polite. We all know how important respect is to our parents. Even if your heart is hurting badly, do all you can to be respectful whenever you’re having conversations with your folks.
Parents should try and not be judgmental, whilst learning to rebuke with love. It’s okay to be open to new ideas and possibilities. Maybe your sage advice is hard to fit into today’s challenges but wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all meet halfway? This would encourage your kids to see you as a safe place in times of trouble.
WHAT IF I’M ALL ALONE?
As far as some of us are concerned, talking to our parents or guardians is simply not an option. Maybe it’s because we have tried several times to build a relationship with them and ended up failing. Maybe they’re not around, and we have other people in our lives that we look to as protective figures.
If you’re in a position where you have no guardian, then open up to your friends/older ones that you trust. Older ones especially because they may have already experienced whatever it is you’re battling with.
Always remember that no parent is perfect. They cannot always get it right, but by knowing that and trying to help them see where you’re coming from, you may be able to have the conversation that you’ve always longed for.
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