Entitlement: From the perspective of a man

Phumlani Kango digs deep to understand what entitlement is and where it comes from

How do you change a mindset that many people aren’t even willing to admit that they have? As we look to improve relations between men and women around the world, one serious issue we need to address is entitlement — or more specifically, the entitlement that men feel towards women’s bodies.

Recent episodes of MTV Shuga Naija have taught us a lot about entitlement, which is something that is prevalent in society regardless of gender and age. This type of attitude can manifest itself in different ways to different people; but what is it exactly?

Bada is forcing the matter and won’t take no for an answer. This is deeply concerning behaviour but thankfully Faa has the means to protect herself (even if she really doesn’t want to engage with him…) #MTVShugaNaija pic.twitter.com/pMBybmtKpp

— MTV Shuga (@MTVShuga) April 3, 2018

Entitlement is explained as ‘the fact of having a right to something’, but in the case of the last few episodes, the correct definition would be ‘the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.’

In Episode 7, we witness Faa going to perform at a concert in a club. Tobi got her the gig and during their encounter at the club, Faa makes it clear to Tobi that their “personal relationship” is done, and she would like to focus on business rather than pleasure. Tobi refuses. In fact, he blatantly tells her that they’re not done and he will be seeing her later.

Fast forward to after the concert, Bada comes to visit Faa and wants to have sex with her again. When she refuses his advances, reminding him that the last time they had sex it was a one-off thing to secure her career, Bada thinks otherwise and forcefully takes what he wants – physically assaulting Faa in the process. These are classic examples of male entitlement over women’s bodies; where men think they can do as they wish with a woman’s body because she is supposed to be pleasing him, as patriarchy dictates.

This situation has gone from harrassment to full on assault. Faa is trying her best to fight back but Bada is forcing the matter ? #MTVShugaNaija pic.twitter.com/t7ykdyIqzc

— MTV Shuga (@MTVShuga) April 17, 2018

Where Does Male Entitlement Come From?

We can all argue and but most people will agree that male entitlement stems from patriarchy and is further perpetuated by the messages we hear at church, in our cultures and even in school. These norms dictate that women should be submissive to their men and that women’s bodies belong to their husbands blah blah blah – I am sure most of us have heard all the sayings about what women “need to do for their men”.

Young boys are also taught that they need to be stern with women. If your woman refuses to obey you (the man) then you must restrain her, using force if need be. We are taught from a young age that as boys, we don’t need to be helping out in the kitchen and girls will do all the work while making us food as well. Does this not breed entitlement?

"Refusing to please you all the time doesn’t make her any less of a woman." – Everybody (women AND men!) needs to understand what entitlement is and why it's a problem. ? by @Adebola_x: https://t.co/fgiNDPQoJn pic.twitter.com/q0J45Wqztk

— MTV Shuga (@MTVShuga) December 4, 2017

Now, should you come home and your wife has not cooked (because of the busy day she had,) will you expect her to make you the meal or will you do it yourself? If your answer is that you’d expect her to do it, then you might want to check whether or not entitlement is something that you are experiencing too.

A Male Perspective:

I can freely speak about male entitlement because these are all the things I was taught growing up, including a list of requirements of what I should “expect” from my wife should I ever get married. As times have progressed we have seen changes in how couples interact. Many couples no longer subscribe to the traditional household roles.

You’ll find that it’s perfectly acceptable for the wife to be the only one working while the husband is the one at home doing the cooking and cleaning — and this is okay. I think, as men, the only way we can unlearn our entitlement is by starting at the foundation, which is what we were taught. Notions such as “boys don’t belong in the kitchen” or “doing household duties is for women,” should be done away with.

If we can start there then we can move on to accepting that when a woman says “NO” to our advances it means no. We should not be feeling like we’re entitled to her time or company. These things neeed to be consented to and earned. WE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT REJECTION AS MEN. There are many behaviors that we need to unlearn as men in order to fight male entitlement.

What other behaviors or things do we, as men need to look at in order to combat “male entitlement”? Let us know in the comments section below.