I was Once Frances

News

10/07/2018

Mamello Sejake could really relate to Frances in Episode 5 of MTV Shuga Naija.

I was once Frances. Between the ages of 14 and 18 years old, I was eager to be in with the cool crowd, to be at all the best parties, to have boys find me attractive and to be considered “relevant” by my peers. I started going to clubs and parties way before I was 18 and I put myself in compromising positions. I put on loads of make-up and dressed up in a certain way to make myself look older despite having a very obvious babyface (which I still have).

To this day, I still thank my lucky stars that nothing happened to me. However, when I saw the young school girls on MTV Shuga Naija do the same thing I realised how easily something could have gone wrong. Unfortunately for Frances, something did. She might have chosen to go to the party but was Frances to blame for getting drugged, being taken advantage of and being sexually violated?

The answer is, NO!

There is no excuse for sexual abuse. Irrespective of whether the person is drunk, dressed a certain way, flirting with you or in Frances’ case, at a party they shouldn’t be. The question shouldn’t be “what could Frances have done differently or why did she accept drinks from men she didn’t know?”

The question/s should be “why do we live in a society where people, men in this instance, feel like they have the right to other people’s bodies?”; “why didn’t any of the men at the party or in the group say, that is wasn’t ok?”; “why didn’t any of the men ask Frances for her consent to have sex with her?” and “why is it so easy for us to shift the blame to Frances?”

In case you missed it, stream episode 5 of MTV Shuga Naija and see how it all plays out below: 

People’s bodies are not objects, or things, that you or anyone else has the right to without their permission. The word “consent” is used a lot in these discussions and there’s a very simple way of understanding how it works when it comes to sex. Unless you hear the words “yes, I want to have sex” then it means no – you cannot have sex with the person. As well as that, even if the person has agreed to have sex with you once before, if they change at any point in the future you need to respect that choice.

Consent is ongoing.


One other scenario we often hear is when a woman visits a man’s house. Perhaps you are visiting your boyfriend or someone you’re flirting with, and suddenly he expects to have sex and you say “no”. Many people are quick to ask questions such as “what did you expect? He invited you to his house!” but this is the wrong attitude entirely.

Visiting someone’s house does not count as consent for sex. Nor does attending a party or accepting drinks from someone in a club. Only a very clear “Yes” can be counted as consent.

We live in an upside-down world where rapists are not judged as harshly as victims of rape. People like Frances shouldn’t have to be suspicious of their drinks. Instead, the thought of drugging someone to please your sexual or personal desires should awaken a shame in us all. It’s wrong and not cool.

People who think that the victim is ever to blame, or that a victim could have done better or acted differently in order to prevent assault, need to pause and reassess their criticism.

These kinds of comments are contributing to rape culture and giving rapists a way out. The only person to blame, and the only person who should have done better or acted differently, is the rapist.

Rape is not okay, no matter what the victim was wearing or where she chose to be. Changing this mindset takes time, but if we speak out against victim-blaming, we can make genuine progress over time.

comments

or to comment