Dear Forgiveness

I have heard so much about you…

I have seen you around the way and have been trying to find means to bump into you.
I am quite shy, I am not the most attractive person and I surely am not brave enough to be with you; what I am with everyone else; BOLD, loud, abrupt and spontaneous. Before I tell you who I am, know that I NEED you.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself, I am loved, infact I am adored by billions and am an easy point of contact in confusion. I have noticed that I am welcomed into homes when communication and understanding have left. I am the substitute to love.
I am great because I speak all languages and am known by many but understood by a few. I thrive in isolation. I move to the rhythm of heartbeats and accelerate with its pace. I am always called by someone else’s name because no one is ever sure who I really am.

At the peak of my existence I have the power to shout in silence. I should be a god because I control mouths and eventually entire bodies. This is no means voodoo but an expression of the laziness and ignorance of the human race. I am getting old and I am getting tired of this mundane, redundant existence, I am sick and tired of the power, I need a partner. I need someone soft, gentle, kind, understanding, someone that cares that I am “home” daily. I need someone to calm me down, the ying to my yang, my better half.
I. Need. You.
It is lonely at the top Forgiveness.

I don’t mean to brag but I have seen things. I have seen fathers releasing sexual tension using their 6 month old babies, not all necessarily daughters. I have experienced venomous tongues kissing their wives and with the same tongue embracing their daughters. I have felt a thump on an elderly face instead of a gentle touch embracing the story told by her wrinkles because I had a bad day. That is not the worst of it. Some people are so shocked when they realize that I have moved into their houses that they run, run so far that they try reach heaven and to be honest, that is the ONLY way they rest in peace.

I have heard of how partners end up fusing into one person, I want that. I want that because I know I was not born like this but became this way because of my circumstances and those then shaped me and because I was tired of a hard life, I made it everyone else’s problem that I did not know you.

The saddest thing, is at times I find friends, great friends. Friends I get to bond with and grow truly meaningful relationships with, until they start crushing on you. Oh I hate that, I hate how they seem to leave me to find the peace that you give them. I hate that you make them happy and even though they do not fully forget me, they can move on.

How dare you? How dare you think that you are better than me? How dare you think that you have power to engage those around me.

I, am the head of this place and if you do not know where you belong, I am not shy to know you. I will prove to you that I am man-enough to handle you and that your place is behind me, below me and if you do not pipe down and remember who I am to you, I cannot be blamed for what I do. It will all be your fault.

I have worked very hard to be where I am. People respect me and they know not to mess with me and here you are thinking that you can give joy, peace, healing? Who do you think you are? You would not exist without me. I made you.

Let us not do this here, come see me. I will be waiting for you in REALITY then I can truly show you what I am capable of. I must ensure you know your place before people realize that even though you keep to yourself a lot, when they do eventually engage with you there is nothing that you cannot get them through because you have this annoying means of removing the situation from the hurt and ensuring that the person CAN survive through it all and recreate a life for themselves. You have this sickening power and patience that allows someone to deal with each pivotal moment that got them there in the first place.

What amuses me is the fact that they do not know that you are in it for the long run. They treat you like a one night stand and at times do not realize that you are marriage material. That is actually one of the reasons I want you all to myself because I fear being alone. I fear that people will gravitate towards you when they get to know you and get the gist of how liberating it is to have you in their lives, not for others but for self.

I am sorry, I tend to get overly excited about things. Hope I have not scared you away. I love you. I need you. I will do anything for you. I hate myself but who else can I be? This is all I know.

Sincerely yours,

Abuse

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